alice in 3d wonderland.

3D applications of film work very well in certain situations. Beowulf comes to mind, but only because the characters were animated. Alice in Wonderland’s human characters looked flat (if that makes any sense); Tim Burton’s color palette would have worked so much better in 2D, but that he allowed the producers to convert his stock to 3D after filming took a toll (not on revenue mind you). As proper performances go, Helena Bonham Carter and Johnny Depp delivered; however, their efforts were offset by the (consistent) over-acting of Anne Hathaway and the knave of hearts. And to make matters worse, right when the energy of the film seemed to slacken, Burton decided to cue in a spectacular fight scene – on a chessboard. Weren’t the minions of the red queen originally playing cards? Splitting hairs, I know. After sitting through Alice’s uncomfortably quick sword-wielding learning curve, we were forced to sit through the Mad Hatter’s dance number. Watching Depp getting jiggy was almost abusive. The worst, however, was to discover what Alice drew from her personal experience in Wonderland: how to reject a comically repulsive man and become profoundly entrepreneurial. Wha? 6.0 if you need it. I wish I didn’t.

don't judge. i will -- movie review criteria.

Rating system: 0 – 10 with a full range of arbitrary decimal places when the situation calls for it. 0 is bad. Very bad. As in, the people who created the film should be institutionalized for the length of its production and donate to charity any sort of revenue the film happens to steal from its audience. So far, there is only one film with a 0 rating – a documentary named “Keep the River on Your Right.” Ugh. That title wastes the time it took to write it.

Moving on – a 10 will be, in all fairness, nearly as difficult to come by. Now, I won’t be cheeky and give a film a rating of 9.99, but 9.8s might make an appearance. I will try, whenever possible, to keep to .5 ratings. Still, “City of God” was a 10. “My Left Foot” was a 9.8. “Last of the Mohicans” was a 9.5. You get it.